Election Frenzy

The Chaos that surrounded the campaigns and election of Donald Trump, was scary. Everyone was worried, even straight white Christians who aren’t in any of the groups Trump and his posse were subtly throwinv under the bus. People felt the tension, and were waiting for the blow up. It never really came, instead its been boiled down to his little mistakes, and political fuck ups.

Trump being our President, has added more confidence to those who share his values, and many of them don’t mean well. He has lit the torch for people who believe that America is meant for white Christians, those who are ignorant enough to call American a race, and believe that different nationalities being here, is the problem with America.

Anyhow, the fear is dwindling down, about Trump that is, and that scares me. Why?

Well take a look around.

We have an arrogant hot headed president with radical views, who is backed by angry, illogical people.

He also has support from other countries, whos governemnts are known for being harsh, and murderous.

Now we have mass shootings atleast once a month that cloud our facebook feeds, and in every city, we have smaller massacres that rock the foundation of little communities.

People are scared for their Children, and outraged.

Our economy sucks, the cost of living is so high that most couples, even with both working, can’t even afford to keep a home, car, phone, utilities and food, without forgetting ANYTHING else.

The atmosphere is great for a revolution, and in my opinnion we need one, but the state of country will not allow for real change that beneift all.

I can see it, everyday, one step closer.

It starts with death and termoil, the people cry and beg for help. They place their blame on godless people, guns, parenting, mental health.

None comes.

The people become angry, and act out.

The government steps in. This is when things like marshal law, are instated.

Marshal law means no weapons for civilians. soldiers patrolling our streets, rations for food, gas and clothing.

The people need change.

Someone will propose a plan, and this plan will deal with the problems people and this person, deam the cause of all the trouble.

Whats the cause?

Godless people. Bringing God back into the schools will only sperate us more, and the majority, Christians will end up on top.

Guns, how do we make sure no one who doesn’t need them doesn’t have them, so we can start fresh and get it right? Take them all.

Parenting, whats easier than making sure that people who wouldn’t be good parents don’t turn out ruining their kids? Let the schools teach them more than academics.

Mental health, but in all this, who is fit to help with mental health? A God fearing person, capable of weilding a weapon responsibily, who believes that parenting is more about disciplin than creating a good person.

Now we have a country runed by a dictator posing as president, backed by dangerous countries and angry people. Who don’t have guns to fight back, must be Christian to have morals, Have given the Government permission to raise their Children, and their help for mental health, only has those views, because thats what will fix our country.

As I write this, I compleatly understand how paranoid it sounds. But, I’m sure someone who first saw the swastika, had a bad feeling, and they told a close friend..that friend probably said, no never, not here.

Who will be thrown under the bus?

Immigrants, both legal and illegal.

LGBTQ+

None Christians

Because we need to accept God back into our hearts, schools, and homes, and it must start with Americans, we can’t keep helping others before us.

These are words I have seen, in different order. To a white straight Christian born here, who is struggling, it is a battle cry. To me, it is a slogan telling me that I’am the problem.

Wait and see. If it doesn’t happen, I will be very suprised. In the meantime I will be thinking of a way to live, without compromise. I fought very hard to have my own space so that I can love my wife without making sure were alone, and have my altar up even if company is coming. I won’t be scared into pretending to be anything else.

I’am a mixed race Lesbian woman who worships a God and Goddess. No one can take that from me without my permission. And my permission will never be given.

Day 1

Good morning World. Do you know the difference between being over weight, and being healthy?

Yes, I understand that it isn’t healthy to be over weight.

But, you can be at a perfect weight, and still be less healthy than someone bigger than you.

I have always been a bit bigger, my best weight was 180, and that was when I walked my dog everyday.

In June of 2017, I was in a car accident, we hit a tree at almost 80, and lukily I was the only one hurt. My seat belt didn’t hold me back the way it should have, and I had put my arm out to protect myself from the dash.

My arm hit, then my chest hit too, and when I got out of the car, I could see bone pushing against skin in my right for arm. I broke 2 bones and poped one out of place in my right arm, and broke my collar bone on the left side, aaaand had to be on oxygen for a while because of breathing problems from hitting my chest.

This was in the top 5 worst experinces in my life. I had surgery on my arm, a plate and 9 bolts put in, and For a few weeks I couldn’t even feed myself. I never took a collar bone very seriously, but it really effects alot because of all the muscles that run up and around it.

From June to August I couldn’t bathe myself, or dress myself. I couldn’t sleep in a bed until spetember, and well, I just plain had a hard time doing much at all.

I can admit I got depressed. I pretty much spent my days, in a shack, watching t.v.

My arm is better now, but still not %100. I have nerve damage in my arm, and a disslocated knuckle from the way my idiot surgeon put my fingers in the cast. I still have problems writing, I have muscle spasams, and drop things at times. My collar bone still hurts, and due to the idiocy of my surgeon, I may still end up getting surgery on my collar bone.

So, as you can imagine, doing nothing for so long, has not just caused me to gain weight, but has me feeling pretty unhealthy. Before the accident, I worked, walked Keira, and cleaned, and still felt atleast halfway decent.

My weight before the accident was 210, and I didn’t feel too bad. Its been 8 months and I feel like crap. I haven’t done much to get active again, except for a short period of excersising for thailand when we were thinking of going.

At that time I still used an inhaler, and it took me almost 2 hours to walk a path that took me about an hour before that. I had to stop doing Yoga because I couldn’t do poses that called for me to use my arms to hold myself up. And sometimes I cant walk Keira, if she pulls me it still causes pain.

So, in 8 months I hadn’t weighed myself, and over the past week, that had been weighing on me. Today, I sucked it up and stepped on the scale.

I weigh 258.

This is the biggest I have ever been. This is also the most inactive and sleepy I have ever been. In 8 months, I have gained 48 pounds.

Today is day 1, and these are my plans.

  • Actually eat breakfast
  • 10 sit ups
  • 30 minutes on treadmill
  • 15 squats
  • 20 stand ups
  • 30 arm only jumping jacks

Wish me luck. I need a change.

The One Who Travels

Emotional Abuse

Hello there, if your anything like me, then the title of this post may bring a specific person to mind. Maybe your like I used to be when I was around 15, and your thinking, toughen up, its just words. As social media plays a bigger and bigger part in our lives, and stories of bullying and the like surface with worrying levels of viciousness, it can be hard to see the lines between normal trash talking, and harassment.

Emotional or Physcological abuse, what is it? You can go to google and type those words in, and as google does, it will come up with a definition.

Heres what you may find:

~

Psychological abuse is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.~

I’m sure this seems like a clear cut way to define a situation for you, you probably imagine some father figure, or boyfriend, screaming at a woman who is walking on egg shells. Yes, that is Emotional Abuse, but thats not what all emotional abuse looks like.

This sort of cruelty, can be done quietly..subtly. the people who torture with words are often smart, and careful. Why is it so hard for someone being emotionally abused to come forward? there are alot of reasons, but I don’t plan to research, or list things, this is simply my oppinion. I’am not a psychiatrists or mental health professional, please don’t take my words for facts, its simply my experince.

So again, why is it so hard to talk about it? Because many times, the subtle events, sound silly when you speak them aloud.

For example, a parent or guardian, who you trust with protecting you and your feelings, Knows your having a bad day because your classmates have said some very unkind words to you, about you being a lesbian. Instead of comforting you, they repeatedly walk by your room and stand in your door way (telling you, that you cannot shut the door.) And say things like “Well we still love you, but you just have to deal with it.” Every 5 minutes, knowing that you’ve been crying. “You made your bed, now you’ve gotta lay in it.” They use a tender, yet sarcastic tone “You can’t miss school, so you’ve just gotta put your big girl pants on and deal with it.” From 4 p.m. till bed time, this is all you hear.

So, you bitch to someone, for me it was my wife, who wasn’t my wife yet. But, is there anyway to really convey your pain? You walk around now, assuming you just need thicker skin, and trying to push down your hurt.

My dad for me, was someone to bitch to, but it really only hurt me in the end. You see my dad, hated her too. He even told me several times. But, he was a ghost. He would start drinking and we would sit and bitch about her all night, and he would tell me that if he heared her talking to me like that, he would say something. He never did. Infact, my dad would tell me I could go do things, or could have someone over, and he would tell her he said yes.

When I was doing, or getting ready to do, whatever he gave me permission for, and she saw, she would get very mad at me. He never told her, then when I told her he said yes, he would deny it. She always said I was driving a wedge between them, but I rarely went to him to ask him, he usually sudgested.

My step mother took great pride in telling me my clothes were to tight, especially when she went shopping with me. School clothes shopping was always bad, I only ever got granny panties because she said I didn’t need to show them to anyone, she always wanted my clothed baggy, like 2 sizes too big.

When I did make up for school she would tell me it was too much, when all I wore was eyeliner. She would comment on my hair, and sudgest that I just didn’t wear my clothes right.

When she talked to me, her tone was usually very sarcastic. But, just to take a step back, and to make clear that this was no evil stepmom syndrom, I want to tell you about the time that I did, like this woman.

At 15, I moved to KY, from OH, to live with my father and step mother, after my mom died. I had stopped talking to my dad at 12, and they were for the most part strangers. They welcomed me into their home, with smiles, and it all felt genuin. This woman soothed me, through my grief, and made a big effort to get to know me.

She helped me paint my room, and we spent a lot of time together, and eventually I came to trust her, and look forward to hanging out. When I first got there, I was the only kid, and my parents often commented on how strange it was to get used to having a kid in the house again. My dad & I never bonded over anything but our hatred of HER.

Anyways, the first negative incident I remeber, happened in July, just after my 16th birthday.

I remembered a dish my mom made with sausage and pineapple that I loved, she always made it when I was upset. I asked HER to make it, and described what I could remember of it, since I couldn’t remember a name. The next day, she caught me before I got on the bus and said “Dad says were not making that stuff, your mom killed him with kielbasa.” When I said ok she continued, sort of laughing “Well I was gonna, but he said were not making that crap, he doesn’t even want to think about Kielbasa.”

I’m sure it just seems rude, but the look on her face, how happy she seemed to tell me this. I asked my dad later, and he denied it, Who knows what out of his mouth was ever the truth.

It seemed to only grow after that. When I would come home from school, she would ask me how my day was. If I said anything negative she would make comments like “thats how things work down here.” And “your not in the city anymore little girl.”

The trust we established in the beginning, was twisted. She had tricked me into telling her all of the things I had done before living with them, and let me tell you, I was wild in my early teen years. My moving to Kentucky was a fresh start for me.

In december of 2012, my parents were given custody of my Nephew, and right off the bat we were best friends. He was 5, and he loved to draw, make forts, and walk with me. As much as I loved him, I was in no way happy to have the responsibility of taking care of him.

I’m not sure how it started, but eventually, Kristy my curent wife, and my newphew, became my world. I got him up for school, got him ready, and got on the bus with him. When I got home from school, I had a half hour before he came home, and I was expected to watch him while my dad watched tv, and step mom cooked.

I would help him with school things, and play with him, because if I ever told him I was busy my step mom would act like I was spoiled and talk about how she was made to help with her brothers and sisters growing up. He slept with me most nights, and although we would go lay down and watch a movie around 9, he normally wouldn’t be asleep till 11 or 12, and after that I could do my home work.

Every other weekend I could go somewhere and do something, because those were the weekends he went to see his mom, and they worked weekends. Those weekends I gave to Kristy, if I was able to see her. sometimes I bairly got a weekend a month, if my nephews mom blew off another visit. My first summer after my freshmen year, I spent all week watching my nephew, and most weekends. By then, she would start taking my phone, saying I needed to spend time with him.

She spent a lot of time on her phone, and acted like I was mean to my nephew if I didn’t always give him my attention exactly when he needed it. I couldn’t get dressed in my room, because the door had no lock, and he would come in whenever. Anytime I said anything to him, about breaking my things or privacy, she would lecture about my privileges.

I hated my time at home. I never knew what to say or not say. Eventually I just stoped talking to them, which made her say I was bruding. I began to dislike myself, I was up at 5 to get ready and get myself together by 6, to get my nephew up and ready, and much of my time was spent changing and changing again.

I normally wouldn’t go to bed till 1 or sometimes 2 or 3, I was always wondering when she would go through my room, and feared her finding my journal, or throwing away my clothes she didn’t like. She would constantly argue with my dad, she woukd start a conversation with her sarcastic tone, and just keep talking rudely to him over the course of a few hours, until he was yelling so she could yell too.

My Sophmore year, my dads drinking was so bad, that even when he was supposed to be watching my Nephew, I couldn’t trust it. I had tried out band for the first time, and I loved it, but I quickly realised it wouldn’t work. Learning music, and to march, all at once on a highschool level isn’t easy.

I tried my best for a whole year, but my nephew wanted to play with my trumpet, and I was afraid he would break it, but of course anything I said only caused a lecture. Practising was near immposible because I had to watch him, and eventually there was bitching about rides to practises, games, and compitions.

A month before my 18th birthday, I sat in my parents living room watching t.v. with my dad and nephew, and my step mom started yelling. By now, I spent so much of my time mad, I didn’t have room for much else. My family in ohio, only saw one of my step moms faces, her perfect one. That was what most people saw, a kind hearted woman in her 50’s, taking in children, opening her home and wallet.

I was either thinking about how much I hated her, myself, or the people that disn’t see her for what she was, or I was bitching to any of the few people who did. I sat there that night, listening to her yell at my dad who had stopped even responding, and then..I heared her say that she would bruise herself and call the cops. I’m not sure that I had a plan, but I took out my phone and recorded it.

The next day, my dad started complaining about her, as he usually did when she walked out the door. I showed him the recording, and he was happy, he seemed proud of me. After a while he started talking about us getting a trailer, and how simple life would be. Sure he was a drunk, but..he just drank and passed out..I wouldn’t be taking care of him, or dropping my head when I hurried through the house.

I was excited, and felt an actual connection with the man who had walked away from me at 4 years old. He told me he found a trailer sometime that week, then he went on vacation with her for their anniversary. My nephew and I had to stay with some of her relatives, and I knew that the woman already didn’t like me. The weekend was spent with her trying to get me to tell her why I didn’t like my step mom….

When they returned, my dad droped all conversations of us moving out. My birthday was in July, and for a month after, it seemed she only picked away at me more. I convinced myself, that he had done more than changed his mind. My junior year, I found a great friend in my school councilor, I would spend my lunch with her almost everyday. She didn’t judge me, not about Kristy, or anything else. She never played down my anger, or anxiety, and she asked me if I had thought about moving out now that I was 18.

I was fortunate to have family with space, and not longer after my councilors sudgestion, I had a plan. Over the course of a week, I packed my things in duffle bags, and I would take 1 a day with me. My step mom after words would tell people I was a coward, but I feared what might happen if I just told her. Kristy stored my things at her house, and the plan was to tell my step mom I was going to a football game that friday after school. I woke up early friday morning to tell my dad. I Still don’t know what I thought would happen.

After a second of being mildly upset, I explained that I needed him to tell her, and that was it. He left 5 minutes later, and I got my nephew ready, which was the only hard part of leaving. I expected to be pushed out, I knew there would be no way to come have dinner one night, and she wouldn’t let him come see me on the weekends, because she knew how to hurt me.

I don’t regret walking out. I had no car. No money saved. I received $180 on a survivors check, but I only got $40 a month, and I had to buy the kinds of hygene supplies I liked, because she only got what she thought I needed. I’ll save you the details, the first night was a lot of phone calls, threats to call the cops, and to have me thrown in a girls home.

The next day I tried to explain myself, and told her I needed my Social Security card & birth ceritifacte. I received them, along with my check. She told me, there had been a mistake, that my initial price $180, was low, so they bumped it up, and added more to make up the difference. When she handed me the check for $545, I already knew it was a lie, but I confirmed it quickly. They had receieved $545 on me the whole time, and never saved a dime for me.

If you were to talk to my step mom now, she would tell you that I’m manipulating, that I don’t like rules. My dad, never told her anything, his final act of negligence. After giving me my paper work, they cut me out for 6 months, and when they did eventually talk to me again, my step mom sat me down, to tell me that she was sorry.

She was apologizing for failing me, because people told her that me being a lesbian was just the start. She told me that she should’ve listened when people told her to, ground me expect for school, to send me to a bible camp for people like me, to not let me have a phone, to whoop my ass, and to get a restraining order against my girlfriend, who is now my wife. She said, it was her duty as my parent to fix me.

When I moved out, I was told by multiple people that I wasn’t ready for the responsibilites of a home, that I wouldn’t graduate, and that I would come crawling home.

My home has always been clean, my bills were paid, and I graduated with near straight A’s despite working a full time job my senior year.

I have went to bed HUNGRY. I have went 24 hours without sleep, trying to deal with some sort of issue at home, while keeping up with everything, I have had hard days.

I never went crawling back.

I never again apologized for who I loved.

I didn’t look at the floor when I walked through my house.

This is my revenge. My smile. My marriage. My happiness. MY success.

Emotional abuse is not simple.

I had a bed, I had food, clothes, t.v., internet, warmth, a shower.

But she made me pick myself apart. I never felt pretty, my clothes never looked right, my hair just wasn’t what it should be. I was to soft, to whiney. I second guessed what I said, and always wondered if my words would make someone mad. I spent 2 years, convinced that I could never be happy there, because I wasn’t country.

This woman now has custody of a little boy that I see going through the same as I did, and it breaks my heart, but his other options are physically unsafe.

Emotional abuse is real, it hides behind the eyes of the quite teen hiding in their room. It hides in the over achiever, and it lives in the smiley Aunt.

These people are given power, by those around them. By my father who listened to her, and listened to me crying at night, and didn’t want to upset his life to help.

Emotional abuse, tears a person away. It can weather you down until all thats left is the fear of causing it, and the anger of enduring it.

How can you stop it? LISTEN. Stop assuming their making it up, or they’re over reacting. Really listen, and try to imagine how you would truely feel.

How can you survive it? Get away. No matter who it is. You don’t owe them. No responsibility is worth your torture. Your enough. The things they tell you about yourself, do not define you, its a reflection of their fear, of you succeeding.

If you like me, can’t just go, then dream of the day that you can. Plan for it, cling to it. Cry it out, then get to work, deciding on your future.

If your sitting there, with a person in mind, then I want you to know, that one day, you will be free.

This cage they have made for you can’t hold you forever, and one day when your breathing air not stailed by their breath, they will still be stuck inhaling their own fumes.

It gets better.

You are enough.

Never let them make you believe, that you aren’t worth loving, because self love is a powerful thing.

The Park in a Snow Storm

Why did I walk to the park during a minie blizzard? Why am I sitting on a swing, shivering, with no intention of leaving any time soon? I’ll tell you the story, but I have to start at the beginning.

I’m used to having 8-12 hours a day alone. I’ve mentioned in other posts that I’m not exactly an all the time people person, because i’m sometimes too honest, and most people just cant handle it. When moving in with the family member we currently live with, I knew full well I would be sharing a small attic space with my uncle, wife and dog. My 77 year old grandparents are down stairs, and my uncle usually isn’t even up stairs much.

My grandpa has Alzheimer’s in its late stages, and my grandma is what people typically would think of as a cratchety old woman. My uncle leaves often for days at a time, and although he says hes here to take care of them, he literally wont even take the trash to the curb for pick up.

Last sunday, My wife and I planned a bon fire, it was her night off and the weather was almost warm. We spent the day getting a few supplies, boos and things for smores mainly. My uncle had two people here, they had been sleeping on the couch off and on all day. When we got ready for the bon fire, my uncle said he was thinking about having one too.

So, we all got it ready, somewhere along the way we were informed that the older womans husband died a few months ago & then her house burnt down. Already things were a little strange. My uncle is known for hanging around shady people, and my grammas house is not the place you just show up to and crash at.

Anyways, we had this bon fire with them, shared some drinks and what not. The man at this point was half passing out, something he seems to do everytime he sits. Through out the night, the woman was complaining of being cold, she was out of ciggarets, and even mentioned that she couldn’t get in her home all hours of thr night. After a few hours, my wife & I were ready to go on and get comfy.

Around 4 am, they woke us up, being very loud in the other room. I heared my uncle explaining what its like to live here. Over the course of the next day they were in and out, they seemed very animated, but I heared the man saying that he didn’t know where he would sleep. My gramma was upset over the mess we left out back, Kristy and I were confused, we brought in our bag of goodies, and only left our chairs.

When I went to clean up, I found a pile of blankets in the wheel barrow, a still burning fire, and empty beer bottles sitting in the chairs. I had over heared the man asking my uncle how old I was, and when he told him 22, he said oh cool shes legal.

Anyways, Monday they left and we were pretty happy, but my uncle stayed gone too. Tuesday night they came back, talking loudly, very excited, and tried to tell me a story about the mans phone being stolen. In all honesty, I have no idea what even happened, there words were rushed, and they were talking all at once, and skiped whole words.

THE girl was very sick & coughing, She wanted a shot of whiskey to try and sooth her and help her sleep. She did the shot & almost threw up. She slept off and on day and night. I heared her telling them her kids & mom wanted to know where she was. The man is very nosey, always looking around the house, when my wife set down her leather jacket he was poking around it.

I’ve heared the man tell Kevin several times he didn’t know where hes staying, but they told my gramma they’re wsiting for carpets to dry in an apartment they want to move into. So last night I was sitting in bed with headphones in, and could still hear her coughing.

I then heared them talking about her going to the hospital, he said he didn’t want to go with her because his wife could find out. She told him her real name was written on a peice of paper in her purse. After a few more minutes of coughing and groaning he told her he would get his script filled and straighten her out.

So, this morning when kristy got off work, the man was up and the woman was sleeping. We asked several times if she was ok, and what was wrong. He would either ignore the question, or just start to say something then stop talking, pretending to be doing something on his phone.

Eventually he told us she has the flu…so shes staying in the home of 2 77 year old people, shes never asked to stay, just slid in, and has the flu, which can be deadly to seniors, ontop of my grampas breathing problems he already has.

Add to all of this, the man asking my uncle again yesterday how old I was, and when my uncle told him I was married to Kristy, he asked if we were freaks? My dog does not like him. When he moves, talks to loud, or comes near the bedroom when i’m sleeping she goes off barking and growling.

Finally this morning, I tried to tell my gramma all of this, hoping she will ask them to leave, and she told me, they said she just had an asthma attack.

After a 20 minute conversation about what I knew, trying to convince my gramma that they shouldn’t be here, I ended up being yelled at, and told I needed to get my shit together.

I’m genuinly concerned. I think these people are on drugs. They could rob us, or my grandparents, or hurt someone. They could steal a vehicle, we don’t know them, and I think they bairly know each other.

I’m just not really sure what to do here?

Its not my home and saying anything is only causing me problems.

Advice?

The One Who Gives Directions.

My Perspective On Christianity

We all know what perspective is, and its different for everyone. For example, in Kentucky, where I lived for about 5 years, its mostly white straight people, raised along side the batist church. At 16, most of the people I knew there grew up going to Youth Group to meet up with friends, Church on Sunday was a regular thing, and the bible was discussed like a manual for life, all the time. To these people, god is good, and happy and theres only light. Those are the people on the inside.

For me, I knew at 13 I was not Christian, so already I was on the outside. Even if I hadn’t been Wiccan, being raised in Ohio, with a family that rarely went to church, still didn’t give me the same experince. Add to it, that I’am a lesbien, and it really gave me a sour tint to the world I was walking through, when I was told on the regular I was going to hell.

You can say that for many years, Especially during high school, I did hate Christians. The view from the outside, can make you feel pretty crappy. My step mom told me I was going to hell for the LIFESTYLE I had chosen, as if likeing women now meant that I would walk around in only jeans, and suddenly cut my hair. She made it seem like I become a different person, but what really got me, was the fact that the baptist believe in 1 marriage, and you can only divorce if the other is proven to be cheating, and then you cant be remarried. My dad, is my step moms 3rd husband, and she is his 2nd wife.

So, I guess you can imagine part of my perspective is hipocracy. It was that much worse when I once spent the night with my now wife, and we were doing the naughty thing most teens do, her grampa walked in yelling. The next day he called my step mom, to tell her every detail of what we had done. He had stood at the door, and watched his grandaughter and her girlfriend for atleast a half hour, before doing anything. Hes a preacher.

A long list of my problems with Christianity, and deep south baptists stems from that old man. First of all, he refused to let a 9 year old in his custody compleat a science project, a model of the planets, because god only made earth.

Harry Potter is bad. They worship the devil.

God says wife is to serve husband.

He says you are to hate the sin not the person, so he continues to interact pleasantly with friends and family that are on seriouse drugs, and have robbed him blind, but ignored me once, for a whole 2 weeks.

Now that you’ve seen some of my personal experinces, you should know that after giving highschool, and these people space, I’ve found I can get over my issues. Now that I’m older and have learned more about my own religion, I Find it easy to see Christianity and most other beliefes, a reflection of my own, only in a different setting and serving different needs.

With this mind set, I can respect all other religions, even if I don’t agree.

Still, as a Wiccan, I can find many reasons to be upset with Christianity, most Pagans can. The reasons are never ending, but as this is just from memory, heres my list.

  • Holidays.

As a Wiccan, the wheel of the year is a big thing for me, the seasons have different meanings, and full moons are cause for work & celebration. Christmas is a big Christian holiday, and many still run around with the slogan, keep Christ in Christmas, but the sad truth is, Christ was never in it. Did you know that theres no evidence that Jesus was ever actually born on December 25th? Go on, look it up, I’ll wait. 440 A.D. was when people decided this.

Christmas is a holiday stolen from various Pagan Religions, its more commonly known as Yule. I’m sure you’ve heared the phrase Yule Tide season, its in a song and everything. The “Christmas Tree” was ours. Giving gifts, even santa is a legend stolen from a Norse tale. Easter is the spring Equinox also, and Halloween is Samhain.

  • The Devil

I know there are many different theories as to why the Devil came about in Christian religion, who knows whats true, but heres what I believe, and many others do too.

When Christianity first began to take over the world, they destroyed, and or repurposed Pagan Temples. To add to the cruelty, they would commision Pagan Artists to paint murals and beautiful scenes on the walls of their churches. Weather it was to get back at these brutal Christians, or to make themselves feel less like sell outs, who knows, but they would paint in, some of their own gods & godesses, and try to implement elements of their faith hidden in the clouds.

This is where many say that the “Devil” came about. Through many Pagan religions, including mine, the God, is the hroned God, God of the Hunt, and he has horns, and sometimes is depicted with the legs of an animal, usually a goat.

This is probably where some of the eratic devil worship rumors began. So let me just say the devil doesn’t exist outside of Christianity, and like minded religions. I don’t believe in some extream evil being out there trapping people, Wicca teaches that every being has both dark & light, and most satanists don’t worship the devil at all, other than as a simble of human nature, and as an absolute opposit to Christian beliefes.

  • THE TRINITY

There is a long list of other things Christians addapted for their own use, such as the cross, which has been changed slightly from its use in Egypt. some of the story of Jesus, such as the signifigance of timing, and his death were taken from different Pagan stories about Gods & Goddesses. Also, Mary, a common name for Goddesses through other religions, where the Goddess Gives birth to A God, who she then raises as her consort.

For me, this all stings, but the real slap in the face, is the loss of expression.

If your Wiccan, this to you, is like..home. so many things are represented here, SPIRIT, AIR, FIRE WATER & EARTH. It shows the connection between them, and the connection between all life. It is protection, community, balance, and sometimes dangerous.

At 16, I drew one of these on the palm of my hand before bed, i forgot to wash it off before school, and of course it was seen. For the next almost year, I endured joked about me cursing people, and having voodoo dolls I would use for torture. As you can imagine, for Christians, this is a sign of evil & witch craft.

I got over this, as eventually I found the triquetra.

This is a symbol used by many religions, though in truth it did start out as a Pagan symbol. Why? Because the trinity predates Christianity by a long shot. My trinitys are Maiden, Mother and Crone, a triple Goddess aspect, shared through many cultures and religions that represent 3 phases of life we must all endure. Theres more though, theres Earth, Sea, and sky. Oh, and Mind, Body & Soul. Also, personally there is the rule of 3, which is part of the Wiccan Rede, Karma, to put it simply.

This Symbol is on the apothecary I go to, it allows me to have something that represents my beliefes, without alarming those who wouldn’t understand the pentagram. However, a year ago, I was driving through The town I used to live in, and saw that Symbol on a Christian Missonary establishments building. Not cool.

This is the end of my rant. And I have many friends and family who are Christian of course, and I don’t have these conversations with them. Why would I? Dissagreeing with someone doesn’t mean you must argue, or not have contact with them. I believe what I believe, I still love them, and For the most part, this stuff doesn’t come up with the everyday chit chat.

I’ve made this post, because Over my different social media accounts I have been accused of hating Christians. I don’t hate Christians..but imagine this.

If you had to hide being Christian growing up, because you were afraid you would no longer be welcome in your home?

If you had to celebrate your holidays with different names for those around you, because no one knows what Christmas is.

Defending your god, because it doesn’t make sense to them.

Explaining why you pray before you eat.

Take a second to imagine, what it would be like, to explain yourself to people, who would just see your beliefes as dark workingings.

I don’t hate Christianity, but my perspective, from the outside, isn’t quite so shiney.

The Waiting Game

Good Morning Word Press, what a wonderful and terrible thing this is site is for a person like me. I often have trouble controlling the thoughts in my head without a list & or activity, and I’m afraid that being able to get my thoughts out has both helped my brain, and hurt my possible audience. After looking back at all that I’ve written, I see that I’ve lost much of the main topic through out them, which is, the adventure we are planning.

We are still planning to go, but there is a lot to do to get there, running away from Society is not easy if you don’t want to come back right away. I Mentioned step 1, which at the time seemed like a lot, we had about 2 weeks to sell all of our furniture, choose a few items to keep at a family members home, and move out with a laundry basket of clothes & 1 toat remaining.

Now there is all the other stuff to do, Converting our car, paying off a loan, switching over insurance, collecting the things we need, and getting our jobs in order. We still plan to leave around the middle of march, we want to take our time getting to Louisiana for the 2 free music festivals that take place there in April.

I can’t lie though, without bills, or all the resposibilities surrounding our home, we have let loose and had some fun. We’ve went to the Art Museum, to the movies, we checked out one of the malls around us, and we have plans to do more.

Keira is being trained to walk on a leash, and to not get distracted by birds or squirrels, this is a huge goal for us, because we want to be able to hike, and if were out in the woods and she jerks us on not great ground, we could get hurt and so could she.

Not to mention the constant battle to stay positive here, where every other word is growling, and fuck is like good morning. Our bed clothes are all cleaned now, and on our bed, and I’ve moved some stuff around yesterday, so the space feels a little better.

But for now, there isn’t much to talk about, And my posts will probably just continue to reflect my day. I’m off now, to walk the treadmill and hope my headphones are louder than its protesting to having to work with my big butt on it.

The One Who Gives Directions

Why We Walk

Hello again, today is so pretty, maybe not exactly warm, but its not to cold for a walk! If you love walking like I do, then I’m sure you too wake up every morning hoping to see some sunshine thawing things out.

You know, people walk for different reasons, 10-15 I walked to meet friends and do things, we would walk fast and talk along the way, and something about walking then, meant freedom, no adults, and usually some mischief.

15-18, walking for me, was peace of mind, away from my parents, I always had music up as high as it would go, and with both head phones in, I could think, and it seemed I was in a different world.

18-20 I got to use Keira, our now 3 year old pit, as an excuse to walk everyday. Although I had walked hours at a time, During Keiras first year and a half, I walked 3-5 hours everyday, and had the best buddy to explore with.

21-now I walk without music, and it is so peaceful, to walk under trees that have their own music, and to let the earth surround me.

I’ve rarely thought of losing weight while I walked, it was never about excercise.

Walking can help alleivate depression, lonelyness, and can help you sleep better at night. Walking can help focus the mind, and theres a huge list of health benifits of course.

Still, walking for me, is time to connect with myself, and the world. Its my time to imagine the relation between the Godess, the trees, and me. Sometimes I let Keira lead, and sometimes I don’t think about where I’m going at all.

When I was lonely, I would walk through downtown streets filled with people, and just smile at anyone who looked my way. This lead to lots of hellos and Keira being petted, and soon I wouldn’t feel lonely at all.

Some people don’t like to walk much, my wife is this way, she would rather work out in a gym, but that gives Keira and I time to bond.

So today I walked some, not as much as I would like to but theres other things to be done. Hope you get the chance to go out and explore, if not, then keep your eye on the weather, and so will I.

The One Who gives Directions

Trendy Anxiety

Hello there, this morning I have tried to calm down the crazy in my mind, and let me tell you it is not easy. The best way to describe my brain, is to have you imagine a large bee hive, Now poke it hard with a stick, just enough to move it but not damage it. See all the bees swarming? The hive is my brain, the bees are my thoughts, my thoughts move too fast to keep track of one.

I used to comabt this in different ways, and it was a daily struggle to focus on one topic or task to accomplish. First, I always went by, tidy home, tidy mind, so when I opened my eyes, I would Go around the house with my first cup of coffee, and make a list on my favorite app Wunderlist, of house work. When I felt woke up I would go around cleaning.

My wife I always said I was abit OCD, because on my list would be things like

  • Move candle back to center
  • Organize shoes by door
  • Rearrange spices
  • Organize mail from most to least important

Not to say that I didn’t do your average cleaning, but I did a lot of this as well. Only after compleating my list around 12 would I eat while decideing what needed to be done next, then I would make another list, for bathing the dog, what we needed to get, or things that should be done like taking things to my family members home to be burnt.

I would start food around 2 everyday for it to be ready by 3 or 4 when my wife would get up, and we would disscuss my lists. Before bed, I did yoga, and made sure my room was as it should be. My whole day was about lists and cleaning/organizing except for maybe a whole 3 hours.

The problems with this? Doing things spontaniously would throw a wrench in my timeline, and it would often make me…Not angry, but sort of..Rushy touchy, crazy.

Also, because I had limited time with my wife, I would feel the need to babble on about my lists and research and try to fit it all in a 2 hour window.

I felt the need to control little things, like telling my wife the easiest order in which to put clothes away, which made her rarely want to do it.

Or trying to decide the order of stops when we were out to cut time off of unnecessary driving.

Being the independent person I’am, I collected information based on my habits, and really found the answers that I was looking for.

Have you ever experinced terrible things that were beyond your control?

The very fact that you can’t do anything about it, makes it worse. I had alot of that through my life, and so, to compensate, I needed control of everything I could have control over.

The sad truth of that is, it made me paranoid, anxious, and hard to be around. Also, it affected my sleep, and took up a great deal of my free time, even in the bath I was trying to visualize my goals, and rate their importance.

I would lay awake at 3 am, and try to work out the best time to start buying food for our first Christmas in our own home in a while, with 8 people attending and 4 of them staying in our home, it was October.

Many people joke about anxiety, and it has become a fad, a trend to have something wrong up there, but for a moment lets be real?

PTSD is waking up with a jerk in the middle of the night, swearing you just saw someone standing over top of you. You spend hours trying to decide if it was in your head, because the fear was all to real.

PTSD is seeing a face in the crowd, and leaving a grocery store without a thing, because you just can’t be sure anymore.

PTSD is your signifigant other not wanting to hug you from behind anymore, because of that one time you freaked out.

PTSD is hiding your panick attacks because you don’t want the long conversation that takes place when someone sees.

Anxiety is finally deciding on your response to someone elses words hours after the conversation, because you needed to be sure that it was funny, polite, and intresting.

Anxiety is not going some place with a friend, because they know people there and you don’t, and your not sure that you could offer anything for a convrrsation or fun, and meeting new people is hard.

Anxiety is sitting on your couch deciding how you should rearrange your living room so that when people come over to drink they can get to the bathroom easyly and won’t be tripped or slowed down, and tell your friends that your parties suck.

How I wish my tub getting clogged, didn’t mean anything more than draino to me. I wish I could sleep without my door locked, and didn’t have to move my head to the other end of the bed every time I turn over, so that my back is never to the door.

I wish I didn’t over list, over research and over think everything. It gets on peoples nerves.

I wish I could just pause the bees, and fix the bee hive. This is the reality of mental health problems. Many people have it much worse, and many are now wearing it like a jacket, it comes right off when its warm.

Please don’t use my bee hive like a jacket, because its only fun when you don’t get stung.

The One Who Gives Directions.

Spontaneous Fun

Hello again, todays post is simply about the love of my life, my wife and best friend. We have the sort of relationship, I never knew I wanted, and when I fell for her I realized that everything else I had experienced had been nothing more than lust and friendship.

Today we went out to the Akron Art Museum, I had never been to an Art museum at all, and it was on my bucket list. The museum is free on thursdays which was great because we were broke and waiting for her check to come in.

Let me start by saying, I loved the architecture of Akrons Art Museum, and I loved their older collection. I however was dissapointed by their newer art collection. I found all but maybe 4 works to be…well dull. My

issue was that while it is art, it is not the sort of art that caught my attention. I found many peices to be lacking ino of art should take time, and heart. Applying lines to a canvas, with masking tape..side by side with alternating colors, should in my oppinion, not be considered art.

If you enjoy that sort of thing than good for you, and maybe its my eyes that see less than is there to behold. To each their own I guess.

Anyhow, I did love the buildings desgin, its all very sleak, metallic, and just really beautiful. I normally prefer to look at older buildings, perhaps because of the detail you often find (I feel the same for older paintings), but I did really love this modern feel they have going.

I do have to tell you that I’m no art critic, I don’t know much about art at all, and if you go to The Akron Art Museum, you will find a friendly staff, ready to direct you, and answer questions should you have any. On our visit, the place was empty, but I’m sure when they have exhibits plenty of people attend. Here are some pictures I took, mainly of the work I enjoyed. They have little squares of text on the walls beside them, they explain the artist, the inspiration and more, I did like reading those, even for some of the peices I didn’t feep drawn too. Heres a few of the Building as well, excuse my less than amature photography skills. I also want to say, that although Art Museums aren’t our thing, we did have fun! As soon as we left, Kristy got a ping, her check was in. We went to our favorite Chinese buffett, and saw that pitch perfect 3 was in theaters along the way. On our way to the theater, I saw a very beautiful sunset, we were ontop of a hill (yes on the road) and the clouds and earth met, giving a slim line all the way across of orange and pink. We had an hour before the movie began, and we spent it in the arcade. I found a game with a gun attached, and had a blast. The movie was great, if you haven’t seen it yet, and liked the first 2, you’ll love this one. All in all, it was one of those days that you get to look at someone you love, and have been with for a while, and feel a brand new spark that makes the flame you carry for them, burn even stronger. We had 6 hours out of the house spent $50, and have returned home to our happy puppy, ready to snuggle and kick back. We didn’t make plans other than the museum, and we had more fun thsn any planned date night we had before. One more picture to leave you with. The one who gives directions.

Happy Pitbulls

Imagine that you are a Puppy, you greet the world with closed eyes and busy noses. You spend days and nights cuddling with mom and your siblings, all warm and snuggly. Your eyes open one day and the world is bright, even in black and white! You play hard and sleep even harder, this is the life!

Your human watcher coes at you, and probably ruffles your fur, how can it get any better? It can! One day a new human comes to get you, they talk to you and give you love, and bring you to a new home. You sleep in their bed, keeping them warm, they give you tastey snacks and you go out on adventures!

Riding in a car is so much fun, and pet stores are great, theres so many amazing smells, and people stop to pet you and say how pretty you are. You hear people say Pit alot, but whats a pit? They say its you, and some say your dangerous, but you just want love. You are a dog, sloppy kisses and heavy hugs are the only aggresion you know.

Some people talk with my human, about how its all in how you raise them. My human says I’m pretty, and they want my ears to flop. They watch videos of other dogs that look like me, and talk about a Pit named Hulk, whos large and has a job.

What is a pit? I’m a dog.

I’m full grown now, my human doesn’t take me places anymore. My human doesn’t want to cuddle, and says I’m to big to be on the couch with them. My human is too tired to walk, and just yells at me to go away.

I love my human, I still bark at night when I hear noises, so I can keep them safe. My human doesn’t like it much and puts me in the other room.

I try to not bother my human, they seem very busy on their screen.

All of our things are in boxes!

I think were going somewhere, but I don’t know where.

The humans say were going for a ride! Finally they want to spend time with me!

Can we dance to music like we used too? Will you sing to me? Can we roll the windows down so theres lots of air? Where are we going?

This isn’t the park.

Do I need a new collar? I like mine.

I’ll wait for you to come back so we can go home.

Did I do something wrong?

I’m getting hungry, I need to go find food. I bet you’ll come find me soon.

Its hard to find food, someone yelled at me and chased me away.

Its cold tonight, I’d gladly sleep in my bed and not yours.

I won’t bark anymore if I can just get some love.

An angry man came to get me from where I’ve been waiting for you.

I’m warm now, but theres lots of sad dogs around me. I have food, but no one pets me.

Some humans came to see me today, they pet me and seemed happy. They didn’t take me home though, they said I was old, I’m only 3?

The lady who feeds me said Tuesday I’m going to sleep. But I sleep every night..

I bet my human couldn’t find me because I’m here, I hope they are warm and safe.

I wonder what I did wrong?

~~This is not a story I know to be fact, but it is a story I’m sure many dogs live out everyday.~

Dog’ are loyal, dogs are loving, dogs are kind, they are smart, beautiful, and innocent. Dogs are only made dangerous by humans, who hold their lives in their hands. We as people are failing these amazing beings, and harm none includes them.

We need to do better.